My first blog.

Lee Gillies.

“You’re the last person I thought would be depressed”

A simple statement, perhaps to some but it’s one that’s continued to resonate with me.

So, honesty time.

For the last 18/24 months I have been dealing with Anxiety and depression. 

“This can’t be me, I have nothing to be depressed about”

I’ve got everything I want in life. Amazing parents, close family, beautiful and supportive wife and a daughter that was everything that I dreamed of.

But, those close to me will know how much of a tough time we had with Ailidh in the early stages. Completely sleep deprived, constantly on edge, countless doctors trips, a bond that I craved so much wasn’t there. I developed a horrendous temper and a completely short fuse. 

I shut myself away from all my friends, rarely socialising. I came off Facebook.

I felt that whenever people were talking to me that they were judging me. That my own mum, who I have always been incredibly close with, was disappointed in me and we constantly bickered, I would bite back at her over nothing. Stupid things would send me flying off the handle. 

I genuinely felt like everyone had a bone to pick with me. I felt like my career was stagnating, that I wasn’t achieving anything anymore. That I didn’t deserve to be happy. I didn’t deserve my wife, I didn’t deserve everything that I’ve worked so hard to achieve.

I wanted nothing more than my daughter to love me like she loves my wife, but the harder I tried with her, the more she rejected me. If I’m honest with myself then that really was the straw that broke the camels back. I’d find myself crying or angry for no reason. Lashing out at people that didn’t deserve it.

I absolutely hated everything about myself. The fact that I couldn’t grow my hair back after the head shave, I hated the way I looked. I stopped playing football and at the time genuinely the only thing that brought me any sort of respite from the way I was feeling was playing my xbox. It gave me an escape from reality. 

My weight ballooned. I went up to just under 19 stone. I know I’ve always been big, but I gorged on chocolate, crisps, ice cream anything I could get my hands on.

It started to really come to a head at the start of this year. People constantly asking me if I was ok and then one night my wife approached me and we were just talking and again out of nothing I just burst into tears. I said to Rachel that I didn’t understand why I felt this way and that there was something wrong. I couldn’t understand where my anger was coming from. I would lie awake at night for hours on end over-analysing every minute detail of my interaction with every person that day and where it had gone wrong. I started wondering if everyone would be better off without me, if my wife and daughter would be happier if I wasn’t there.

A conversation I had with a colleague at work was the final straw. I was given some constructive criticism and again, I burst into tears. The over-riding feeling was anger and how annoyed I was at myself for letting this person down. The next day my colleague turned up at work and told me that I should get help. They encouraged me to get help and to speak to someone. I made an appointment that day and spoke to a doctor, I started on a medication called mitrazapine, primarily because I was absolutely exhausted and it would help me sleep and it did. But it had its side effects. It wasn’t for me. I found it just made me even more miserable and no matter how much sleep I got it wasn’t enough. I eventually went back to the doctors and was put on fluoxetine which is what the Americans call ‘Prozac’ and I’ve genuinely found no side affects at all. 

The major saving grace for me, which most of you will know if you follow me on social media has been the gym. Something I never, ever thought I would say. I’ve discovered a love for running and weights and now the difference it has made to my mental health has been great. Just having an escape that I can go to has been amazing and I would actively encourage any one that is struggling to try it. Believe me, I was nearly 19 stone and if I can do it, you can too. My mood has improved greatly, my weight has dropped by over 21/2  stone and all of my relationships have improved. I feel like me again. 

I think that for me, the reason I’m writing this blog is the alarming rate in male suicide particularly in Fife,  it is really  terrifying. What I’m hoping to achieve with this is to show that it can happen to anyone. I never ever thought that I’d be affected by this and I’m honest enough to say that I’ve judged people in the past and I will never forgive myself for it. Through talking honestly with other people I have realised that I am far from alone when it comes to anxiety and depression and more and more people have confided in me that they have had their own struggles, so, along with my  mate, Andrew Inch, we’ve decided to start a page called the MAD Lads (men with anxiety and depression) in hope that if we can help one person, it’s been a completely worth while exercise. 

Please feel free to message us and if you’re looking for someone to talk to, that’s not in your immediate circle. You can talk to us without any judgement.

Finally, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the support. In particular my wife Rachel, my parents, my family and friends. My work colleagues who stepped in when they realised there was an issue. 

It’s not about the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog, and I’m gonna kick it’s ass.

Lee.